You Want Me To Do WHAT?

Just say “no.”

Yeah, right.  Easy for me to say.

Actually, it’s not easy for me to say.  “No” is not easy for most of us, but learning to say “no” is often better for you (obviously) and sometimes better for others (not so obvious, especially to them). 

Saying “no” is good for you because it means you don’t have to do things you don’t want to do.  At the same time, it’s bad when you feel guilty about turning people down.

So, try to make saying “no” beneficial for the person you are refusing, reduce your guilt, and maintain a little more control over your life.

Why is your “no” a benefit to the person you are refusing?  Maybe someone else can do the job better because he or she is more qualified or has more time to spend.  Maybe someone else will get more out of doing the job. Maybe going at a different time will be more valuable or interesting (or fun).  Maybe a different project or event would attract more participation or yield better results. 

A Simple Model for Saying “No”

1.  Consider the “yes.”  Don’t reject the idea immediately, even if you think your answer will be “no.”  Let the asker know your are considering the request, even if you expect that you will decline.  (In addition, there is always the chance that you might want to say “yes,” after all.)

Try something like: “That sounds really interesting.  Let me finish what I’m doing right now, and then I’ll consider it more carefully and get right back to you.” Or: “What a good idea! I’ll check my calendar and email you tonight.”

2.  Decide what you need.  Is there anything in this for you?  No, of course you don’t make every decision based on what’s in it for you, but if something sounds unpleasant or like a waste of time or energy, try looking a little deeper for a benefit that might make saying “yes” worthwhile for you after all. 

For example, attending a business-social event with a colleague might sound like a nightmare and a waste of time, but there could be benefits: enjoying a one-on-one visit with your colleague while traveling to and from the event, checking out a new venue to take clients or friends to later on, enjoying a meal you didn’t have to prepare, or meeting potential professional contacts.  

3. Express regret. Even if you think the request is ridiculous, the person who asked must think it is important. You have nothing to gain by not respecting his or her choice of priorities.

At the same time, be careful with “I’m sorry,” or you’ll sound like you are taking blame or apologizing for some failing.  You can, however, say that you are sorry that he or she is disappointed or that you regret that you can’t do what he or she asked. 

4. Give a non-negotiable reason—from their perspective.  Be careful of a reason that sounds great to you and means nothing to the person who wants your expertise or your time. 

For example, telling someone who is a couch potato that you can’t work late on Tuesdays because it conflicts with your favorite kick-boxing class would have no credibility.  Find a reason with which he or she would identify. 

Do not, however, blatantly lie, which is tacky in the least and probably unethical, depending on the situation.  Having too many “family emergencies” sounds suspicious very quickly. 

Since I teach in Europe and visit my daughter in New York, my default reason is that I am going to be out of town.  I justify this excuse with the rationalization that if I am not out of town on the specific date in question, I will have just returned or will be about to leave.  Works for me.

5. Offer an alternative or compromise.  If the answer really is “no,” try to offer something that makes up in some way for the rejection and is truly a benefit for the person who asked.  For example:

If you just can’t take on another project, offer to contribute in another way, such as providing input on the decision criteria.   

If you don’t want to take the time or spend the money on dinner, suggest meeting for lunch or breakfast. 

If you don’t have the time to be a mentor, suggest someone else or offer to include the mentee in business events where he or she could network.

If you cannot represent the company by speaking at a civic club, suggest someone else who might be willing and available, or offer to speak at a later date.

6. Prepare your answer in advance.  Be prepared, so your mouth won't work faster than your brain.  Decide what sounds good to you.  You might be comfortable with: “Intriguing idea.  Let me look at my schedule and then talk to you tomorrow.”  Or: “Cool! I’d really like to do that if I possibly can.  I’ll check my book and email you tonight” might be more your style.

Practice (out loud!), so you don’t say: “You’re kidding, right?  You want me to do WHAT?”

Remember the Six Steps

1. Consider “yes.”
2. Decide if there’s anything in it for you.
3. Express regret (not “sorry”).
4. Give a non-negotiable reason.
5. Offer an alternative or compromise.
6. Be prepared.

You care about the people in your life, so saying “no” is never easy. But if you can’t justify the “yes,” expressing sincere regret and offering a thoughtful option will make you both feel better.  And you will have maintained a little more control over your life—without the guilt.