For my female readers:

"Of course I heard you . . .
What did you say?"

How many times have you been talking to a man and wanted to say, “Are you listening to me?” 

You usually know when a woman is listening.  She tends to respond verbally, maintain eye contact, ask questions to encourage the speaker, and hang in there until the bitter end, no matter how long it takes to tell the story.  In addition, she may be listening not only with her ears, but with her intuition.  

Men, on the other hand, tend to listen passively and only ask questions if they want more information.  In fact, they tend to listen only until they get the information they need.  And they often miss subtle (and often not so subtle) verbal and nonverbal messages.

No, I’m not “male bashing.”  There’s nothing wrong with making the information that you share with a man relevant to him—you should do that with all your target audiences.  And as for listening passively, now that you know he probably does that, you can simply work to not take it personally.

Here’s some detail.  Remember, you are not alone, this is not your fault, and listening is a gender difference that is in our favor—we’re often better at it! 

Women listen more actively 

When women listen, we tend to behave in a way that acknowledges and encourages the speaker.  We nod or tilt our heads, create appropriate facial expressions, maintain eye contact, and/or otherwise nonverbally “open up” to the speaker.

Men tend to be passive listeners.  No nodding.  Little facial expression.  Less eye contact.  No obvious difference from not listening. 

Consider the problem. 

If a man comes into a woman’s office with a budget request, she is likely to acknowledge him, perhaps nodding.  She means, “I’m listening.”  Based on his own behavior, he reads her response as, “Yes,” and spends the money. Yikes.

If the role is reversed and she is asking him to approve an expenditure, she may read his passive behavior to mean that he is not listening.  So she talks and talks—until, indeed, he is not listening.  He also may wonder why she keeps repeating herself.  “I got it already,” he thinks.

We listen for different reasons

Women tend to listen in order to let the other person know he/she is being heard.  Sometimes we listen to build the relationship or create a bond. Men tend to listen in order to solve the problem. Period.

For example, if you have a lousy day and call a girlfriend to complain, she is likely to simply listen and commiserate with you.  If you tell a guy, he will try to solve your problem, which may only add stress and is probably not what you want.   

(On the other hand, sometimes “so what are you going to do about it?” is the best “tough love” we can give.  But that’s a topic for another day….)

We ask questions for different reasons

Men ask questions because they need information.  Women will often ask questions to support the speaker.

Consider the problem.

Let’s say that your all-female team is presenting to a male client group.  Your colleague is doing great, but you think of a point that would enhance her argument.  Since you don’t want to interrupt (you’re being such a girl!), you ask her a question that gives her an opportunity to cover an idea she knows but may have forgotten to include.  Your intention is to prompt her to share valuable information.  The perception of your male audience, however,  is that you don’t know that information about your own product. 

Women listen longer

As a rule, women are more patient and will listen longer than men. 

I have to admit, however, that I am not one of those women, and this is a problem.  The expectation from male and female audiences is that women will listen longer, so the woman who interrupts or “shuts down” is likely to be perceived as abrupt or even rude.  Men, on the other hand, are more likely to get away with giving in to a shorter attention span.    

Women listen with all their senses

You know how you often get a “feeling” about somebody?  You meet someone and you get a vibe from them? 

When you tell the man in your life, he may laugh at you for being silly because he didn’t get a vibe at all.  He heard the exact words and remembered the ones that most related to himself.  He probably missed all the subtle hints—the nonverbal language—the nuances of language.

You caught it all.

For example, my husband introduced me to Pete (not his real name), an old colleague and “friend”.  Pete had expressed an interest in meeting me and promised to provide business contacts. 

On our first meeting, several things happened: 

1. Pete was late, keeping us waiting in an awkward business environment.  
2. When he arrived, he “apologized” but attributed his tardiness to his popularity (he just couldn’t get to us because so many people stopped him).  
3.  In spite of the intended purpose of the meeting—for him to get to know me in order to refer me—he spent a majority of time talking about himself, regaling us with long-winded stories. 

I was not impressed.  My intuition told me that Pete was a self-aggrandizing blowhard.   

Pete did, however, set up a meeting for my husband and me at Pete’s company, telling us that several people were expecting our visit.  I thought that perhaps my intuition had been wrong.  On the contrary:  When Pete took us around, every person was surprised to see us.  No one was expecting us; no one understood why we were there.  We were incredibly embarrassed, and, of course, the day was wasted.

My husband was still not convinced. However, over the next few months, he became more aware of Pete’s behavior, and after countless situations, he realized that I was right.  It was a hard lesson.  He had invested so much time and energy into Pete over the years without acknowledging that the relationship was one-sided and, in many cases, toxic.  When he finally saw the entire picture through my eyes, he saw the truth, and it was not a pretty sight.

So what should you do differently?

Be aware of the active/passive differences.  Don’t send an affirmative message when you intend to express that you are just listening, and don’t assume that a man is not listening just because he’s being quiet and still.

Be careful of asking questions to engage the speaker.  Substitute a statement or request (“Tell them about the Jones account!” rather than “Isn’t the Jones account an example of . . . ?”)

Recognize that if you behave like a man and interrupt, you may lose points.

But remember, this difference is in our favor!

A woman’s intuition is a powerful weapon.  Unfortunately, men don’t always believe us, and they may secretly think we are a little nuts. 

So, often, you may have to keep your opinions to yourself.  But that doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t act on how you feel.  If speaker’s actions don’t match the words or if the details are inconsistent, you will be “hearing” the real story.  As a result, your decisions will be better. 

No one will ever say to you, “Are you listening to me?”