"I'm Mad as Hell,
and I'm Not Going to Take This Anymore!"

Remember the 1976 movie Network?  (I know some of you were not born.)  The character Howard Beale, played by Peter Finch, says:

I'M MAD AS HELL, AND I'M NOT GOING TO TAKE THIS ANYMORE! I want you to get up right now, go to your windows, open them, stick your head out, and yell: 'I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to take this anymore!' Things have got to change. But first, you've gotta get mad! You've got to say, 'I'm mad as hell, and I'm not going to take this anymore!'

Good for him. 

Getting mad might be good for you, too. 

But first, what is it that you are not willing to take any more?  You can’t just get mad in general.  Well, you can, but that won’t solve anything.  And you can’t get mad at the wrong person or thing because that makes you look irrational.  And you can’t get mad at everything because soon, no one will pay attention to you at all.

So, pick your battle.  Then, go ahead: get mad.

While your energy is up, do the physical part of angry—alone, so you won’t embarrass yourself.  Scream in the woods.  Run fast.  Work out hard.  Punch a pillow.  Bite the head off a chicken—no, wait—I didn’t mean that one.  When that’s over, it’s time to get to work.

Expressing Anger

You are probably not surprised that I am suggesting a model.  You might even be expecting another application of the Bad News Model.  Yes!  You have been reading this newsletter (or paying attention in class)!

Before you do anything else, really think about your audience.  As I write this, I am reeling from an experience that has reminded me of a couple of things about audience analysis in any communication situation:

1. Don’t rely on everything a third party tells you about your target audience.  If you have a sense about someone, and a third party tells you something different, depend on your own intuition.  You are most likely right. 
   
   For example, I often tell the story about going into a training situation years ago with the belief that the participants were excited about the training—because their boss’ boss had told me so.  Oops.
   
   And recently, I choose to believe that I had an open, mature relationship with another woman—not based on my gut, which told me that she was harboring animosity towards me, but based on what someone close to us both really wanted to believe.  Needless to say, what you email to someone who trusts you and what you email to someone who covertly dislikes you should be very different.
    

2. Never forget the WIFM:  “What’s in this for me?”  If the person receiving your message doesn’t hear/get/understand what’s in it for him/her, you are wasting your breath.

The “I’m Mad as Hell” Model

Here are the steps for expressing your anger and, most importantly, for being very clear that you will no longer tolerate whatever made you angry.

Grab attention.  Make it appropriate and not misleading.  Don’t soften your message to be too nice.  Also don’t blast someone from the beginning, or you will not have a listener.  Choose your words carefully to get your listener’s attention without creating expectations that are either too negative or too positive. 

Transition to your message.   I suggest “and.”  If that sounds too harsh, go with “that said.”  Avoid “however,” which signals bad news too strongly. You might want to add: “I have something important to tell you.” 

Tell the truth (to yourself, in your head): “I’m mad as hell!”

Tell the truth out loud, using the right word for your target audience.  “Mad” doesn’t work with a lot of people, and you want to be heard.  Maybe “I am truly disappointed.”  Be direct.  Or try one of these words, again based on what will resonate with your target audience:  “stunned,” “devastated,” “incredibly embarrassed,” “concerned for the welfare of the company.”  Whatever will have the most impact.  Remember that what you mean is “I’m mad as hell!”

Offer an explanation.  Remember how we use “I” instead of “you” when giving feedback to facilitate better listening?  Use “I” here, too.  For example: “I was embarrassed when the client asked for information that I didn’t know about,” rather than “You embarrassed me….”

Now, call it.  What you are saying in your head is “I won’t take this any more!”  What you say out loud is: “This is unacceptable.”  Period.

Ask for action.  Say exactly what you want, but don’t threaten. 

Support with benefit. This is the part that’s about them, not about you.  What’s in it for them to respond the way you want?

Give credit and express expectations.  Be clear.  Your final words should reinforce exactly what you expect to happen.

Applying the “I’m Mad as Hell” Model

Example One:  Your immediate supervisor has been excluding you from meetings with an important client.  You know she is doing it on purpose.  In addition, she has been offloading so much work on you that you know more about this client than she does.  She is obviously feeling threatened and is wielding her power.  You also recognize how passive-aggressive she is: “Oh, did you want to come to that meeting?  I’m so sorry.  I didn’t think we needed to bother you.”  Yeah, sure. 

Try this:

Grab attention:  I appreciate many elements of our working relationship. 

Transition to your message: And, I have something important to tell you.

[Tell the truth, in your head: I’m mad as hell!]

Tell the truth out loud: The current situation with this client is compromising my effectiveness with them.

Offer an explanation using “I”: I have been excluded from the last three client meetings for reasons that make no sense to me.  (You might want to say “for ridiculous reasons,” but that will sound judgmental.  Stick to the facts using “I” or “to me” statements.)

Now, call it: This is unacceptable.  [In your head: “And I’m not going to take this anymore!]

Ask for action: I expect to be included on meetings with this client.  You might add:  I also expect the same reasonable notice about the meetings that everyone else receives.

Support with benefit for your listener:  If I am excluded, you will not have the information that I alone know.  As a result, the meeting will be longer as you repeat work that is already done, and the client will think that both the firm and you are less than efficient and certainly not credible.  In addition, including me elevates my status with the client so that I can continue to take work off your shoulders in the future.

(Note:  You may want to add reasons about how being excluded will hurt you on your next performance review or as you describe your experiences on your resume.  Remember, if it’s not about her, she won’t care.)

Give credit and close with clear expectations: I know that you want the best for the firm and the client, and I look forward to the next meeting.

Example Two:  A female colleague is talking about you behind your back—undermining you to your boss (in this case, a man).  She is distorting what you say, blaming you for things you didn’t do, avoiding giving you credit for your contributions, and generally trying to influence your boss against you.  In fact, she is acting like a spoiled teenager, name-calling and all. To exacerbate the issue, you know that your boss cares about this woman personally as well as professionally. 

Your boss knows that your colleague is out of line, but he is reticent to challenge her.  You want your boss to confront her inappropriate behavior and defend both you and the truth.  You realize that you should confront her directly, but based on her past actions, she would probably “tattle” to the boss and distort the conversation, thus escalating the situation.

By not defending you, your boss sends the message to your colleague that he is validating both her accusations and her behavior.  He is giving her permission to defame you and perhaps even rewarding her.  Unfortunately, he thinks he is simply being a good guy by avoiding confrontation and that this will all “blow over.”  Since this situation has been going on for way too long already, you know that it is not going to get better without some serious intervention.  You would never ask him to choose between the two of you; however, you know that in her ideal world, he would fire you. 

Try this:

Grab attention:  Jack, I know that there is some tension in the office, and we need to resolve it before the situation escalates and affects the organization.

Transition to your message:  That said, you need to know that…

[Tell the truth in your head: I’m mad as hell, and I am not taking it any more.]

Tell the truth in language that will resonate with your boss: …I am appalled that my personal and professional credibility is being impugned. 

Offer explanation:  Robin is distorting what I say, blaming me for things I didn’t do, and giving me no credit for my positive contributions.  I know that you are aware of both the distortion and the inaccurate attribution—I know that you know the truth.

Now call it:  This is unacceptable. [In your head: And I won’t take this anymore!]

Ask for action:  I expect you to confront Robin about her destructive behavior and to set her straight on the truth.

Support with benefit for your listener:  Robin is showing disrespect to you, to your hiring decisions, and to me.  If you allow this inappropriate behavior to continue, she will consider that you approve, or, even worse, agree.  This is damaging the integrity of the relationship I have with you.  It has the potential to damage relationships in this organization and with our clients. In the long run, it will damage the relationship you have with her.  She will not respect someone whom she can manipulate with distortion, lies, and petulance.  The tension will never get better until you confront the problem directly.  Also, since you care so much about her, you should understand that since she is distorting my words and lying about me, she is likely to do the same about other people or the firm—or even you.  You will be doing her a favor if you put a stop to her destructive behavior.

Give credit and express expectations: You are one of the smartest and most honest guys I know.  I am confident that you want your relationships and this organization to be built on ethical behavior based on truth.  I am confident that you will defend me—for the good of us all.

Finally

Have you ever been unfairly accused?  Have you ever been completely helpless to defend yourself?   Have you ever been misquoted, misrepresented, or downright lied about?  Have you ever felt like maybe, just maybe, they were right? 

Here’s what you need to know:  OF COURSE THEY’RE NOT RIGHT!!  I encourage you to go ahead and get mad and prepare your response, using the “I’m as Mad as Hell” Model. 

One caveat:  You might be saying, “I can’t possibly, really do this!”  I know.  (I mean I really know.)  Sometimes you just can’t.  But analyze your audience and write out your message, just the same.

You might never get to say your piece, but you will have focused your thoughts and articulated your message. The exercise alone is cathartic. 

Say it with me now:  “I’m mad as hell—and I’m not going to take it any more!”

Now, don’t you feel better?    

Would you like to respond to this article?  Please write to me:  Sherron@ChinUp.net.  I'd love to hear from you.